I do not know if my husband is a hypochondriac or if there is something seriously wrong with him or if he depressed/anxious and therefore feeling phantom physical symptoms, but it feels like I am living with an invalid sometimes and I don’t know what to do about it. I love him, don’t get me wrong, but his constant stream of illnesses and fatigue and lethargy is becoming intolerable.
That is my big secret.
If he is actually ill, that is different. I can be a caretaker/nurse type of person. I can nurture. I can be kind and loving and understanding and patient. I can be self-sacrificing.
I don’t think he is actually ill. I think these symptoms are in his head. When I am really feeling negative, I worry that he doesn’t actually have any symptoms but he pretends to because all he wants to do is lay on the couch like a lump. That is the worst thing I can imagine, that he really feels healthy but just doesn’t like doing ANYTHING.
I just don’t know what to do. It is lonely to be the only one in a relationship who wants to go out and do something. It is lonely to go for walks by myself all the time when I have a perfectly good husband sitting on the couch at home. It is lonely to cook dinner by myself all the time and it is lonely to meet friends out for dinner without him all the time. It is lonely to wake up on Saturday morning and have the whole day looming before me while my spouse sleeps until 4:30 p.m. I know those of you who are single right now are reading this and getting annoyed with me because who the hell am I to talk about loneliness. I promise you – I KNOW your kind of loneliness, having been through long stretches of single-hood myself – and this loneliness is much worse than the loneliness of being single. Being lonely when you actually ARE alone is one thing; being lonely within a marriage is another thing altogether.
This is not the life I imagined for myself, and yet I do not believe this is reason enough to divorce someone. Also (more importantly) I do not want to divorce him. I say that for many reasons, but mostly because he still makes me laugh most days and because we still have excellent conversations and because we still have fun together when I am in the mood to do some loafing myself or when he musters up the energy to do something with me. I still like to be around him and I can’t imagine my life without him in it.
And yet…sometimes I wish…well, I don’t know what I wish.
I like to believe that all marriages have their ups and downs, and that maybe we are just in this “down” phase when a lot of other married people we know are in an “up” phase and that’s why it feels so unusual, but a little teeny part of me wonders if we are ever going to get out of the “down”, if we simply aren’t compatible long-term. OR, do other people just not talk about this? I don’t know. I think the only way to find out is to plow ahead and see what happens.I should warn you that I am extremely sensitive about this topic. If you comment, I would really appreciate it if you would do so in a kind manner. I was hesitant to write about this because I have found that most people are extremely critical of other people's relationships as soon as those people admit to any weakness or insecurity in that department, and...well, I don't know what I'm afraid of. I guess I'm just asking you not to say it sounds like my marriage is in the crapper, because I'm not sure it actually is.